What’s like like to live with Derealization?

Imaging yourself going to sleep tonight and wake up in a dream tomorrow, a nightmare dream where you lost sense of where you are, sense of time, sense of familiarity, numb, disconnected from your enviroment and your previous memories.  You wake up in a new world where you feel like there is a mental barrier between you and eveything else.  You see eveything in front of you but you can’t fully interact with it.  It’s like everything in front of you is a screen that’s up right against your eyes as if you are experiencing the world through a virtual reality glass.  The depth and liveliness of the world is gone.

The place you’ve lived in for over a decade no longer seems familiar, nothing hits you anymore.  You’re talking with someone face to face and it feels like they’re not even real even though you know they are physically here.  You drive from one place to another place and you forget how you get there, the memories of the drive is almost non-existsent and blurry.  All your memories are scattered and blurry, they lost sense of time.   Things you did last month and things you did 2 minutes ago have no difference emotionally.  Life feels weird in general, things don’t make sense and you lose sense of your future.  Everyday is a new day yet everyday feels the same.  5AM in the morning and 5PM at noon feel the same.  Place A and Place B feel the same.  It’s like you experience eveything but without any kind of feelings.  The only feelings left are anxiety and being depressed.

Then there are times when your parents or your wife is sitting next to you and you think wow, how weird that they’re your parents or she is your wife.

I can’t speak for Depersonalization because I don’t really experience Depersonalization but I do have bouts of Depersonalization.

Stay strong!

Obsession and Distraction

Obsessive behaviours and thoughts are a huge part of Depersonalization but I don’t like how people are often diagnosed as OCD because of it or even DP/DR together.  It’s really the sensations that cause these obsessive thoughts and behaviours.  I really don’t like psychiatric labels, how can someone be diagnosed OCD, GAD, DP/DR and Depression at the same time?  But unfortunately that’s where we are at this moment, we just don’t have the medical tests to show specific issue/deficiency of the brain.

Am I real? Is this all real?  Do I feel normal?   Who I am?  These are obsessive tendencies that can often aggravate DP/DR feelings.  From personal experience, as long as I start questioning or focusing on these sensations, I know I’m going downhill and DP/DR becomes a lot more apparent.   Every once a while I would have some “relapse” and usually there is always a trigger which puts my mind back into DP/DR.  I’m so well aware of those triggers that I try my best to avoid them.  However it’s not always a successful one, I could go into a deep cycle of obsessive thoughts and behaviours which I just couldn’t take my mind off DP/DR and it would lead me downhill really fast.  Fortunately though, I usually get out of these cycles fast from days to couple weeks.

So what do I do to get out of these cycles?  These cycles aren’t easy to break, it’s not like “ok!  I’m going to stop focusing and thinking about it now.”.  No, it’s much more difficult than that, it’s like a car moving at 200MPH,  you can’t just stop it suddenly.  This is where distractions come into play.  It can be really small things to really big things.  Put on your headphone and just go for a walk in the park which I often do is a great way to relax and distract yourself.  Travelling is another thing I usually do if I’m financially ok, it’s an excellent way of feeling somewhat normal because you’re so distracted by many new things.  Of course not all of these things are viable for everyone but try to do something small and then go from there.  I know DP/DR causes emotional numbing so things you loved to do before DP/DR may not be of interest to you anymore.  But that’s ok, think back in the last few days or weeks I’m pretty sure you could think of something that you did and that you enjoyed, even the little things, repeat them.

If you’re reading this blog, feel free to become a follower, I really hope to grow this so we can raise some awareness of this devastating disorder.

The invisible disorder/killer…

People relate to things by seeing, without any physical symptoms, it’s hard for people to relate to Depersonalization.  If I can tell someone in one sentence,  I would explain it as 

“It’s dehumanizing, the disorder takes and blocks away all the conscious/unconscious feelings and emotions of existence and simply being a human being.”

Tel me what could be worst than that?  It would be a lie if I tell you I never had any suicidal thoughts, it’s just human nature to have these thoughts when you’re dealing with extreme pain.  Fortunately for me these thoughts stop when I started to feel better.  You shall seek help if you have constant suicidal thoughts.

When explaining DP/DR symptoms, it’s a whole new world.  I can explain then in millions of ways.  

“As if I was drugged”…

“As if everything is just an imagination of my brain.”

“As if I’m experiencing life as a dream and that I’m still lying somewhere sleeping.”

“As if I’m experiencing my world through a virtual reality glass.”

“As if…..”

This is why DP/DR is complex, it’s easy for you to say YES that you experience DP/DR but from medical perspective, systematically it’s much harder to assess if someone actually experiences DP/DR.

People experience one reality, it’s not possible for someone to imagine another reality.  Reality is everything.  It’s like telling someone to reimagine another specie’s reality, it’s not possible.  Telling someone to imagine what DP/DR feel like is similar to that comparison.

I keep referring to ALS as an example, I hope that I don’t offend anyone in doing so.  ALS is devastating   and people can truly relate to it because it’s physical, it’s visible and people can imagine what’s it like to live with it.  It’s much easier to raise awareness, the Ice Bucket Challenge was a huge success.  Something like that would be difficult for DP/DR,  how else can we depict DP/DR other than explaining it in words?  Actually there is a movie called “Numb” which features Depersonalization, I’ve never watched it but I think it’s a great way and we can  and should do more stuff like that.

I’m writing this blog in hoping someone with authority and maybe has been touched by DP/DR directly or indirectly to come forward and maybe we can start something great and raise awareness.  I hope new people who found this blog through Google get relief knowing that there are many people like them.

Hang in there.  Future is bright!

Been a long time…

It’s been a while since I updated this blog, mainly because I’ve been busy with life.  So yesterday a father of a DP/DR sufferer posted on Facebook’s Depersonalization support group that his son committed suicide, the news has severely impacted my overall mood and has stuck with me ever since.  It is just a sad and shocking story that I hope I won’t see another one of.  Please don’t let stories like this deter you from getting better, you can fight it and you can win it!  Science is great, you never know what the future holds, but you gotta stick around to see the future.  You only got one shot at life so suicide is never the answer!  Ever!

I know I can’t speak for everyone since we are all unique and we even experience DP/DR uniquely but down at the core we are biologically human beings, we are the same in a way.  I know for people suffering from DP/DR, it’s hard to rebuild their lives, it’s hard to carry on with their social lives and do what they love to do.  However these elements are crucial to recovery, normalcy and confidence.  It’s like trying to rebuild your life from scratch but this time 100 times harder.  But we are strong human beings, humans have accomplished many extraordinary feats like climbing the Everest and landing on the moon, everything is possible!  You’ve got nothing to lose!

Mood is extremely important in dealing with DP/DR.  If you find yourself constantly in low mood, I would suggest you talk to a doctor or find something to distract yourself.  If you’re financially capable, travelling is a great way of distracting yourself.  If you are fear of going outside, try to just step out the door and feel some fresh air.  Take baby steps and you will be on the top of Everest, it’s matter of time.

You might be wondering how I am doing after all these months? So I went to China for a month in February, visited many cities including the Great Wall of China. When I came back home to Toronto, I suffered a relapse but slowly got out after couple weeks and have been living/working ever since. I already know what my triggers are and I use distraction so I don’t fall into the hole. Life has been busy in general.

I’m holding the fort for all of you guys, just go and do your things to get better!

By the way, a tip for all of you guys, the world is real, yourselves are real, you are just being blocked of emotions.  Have no fear!

How to get referred to a psychiatrist

First of all, I’m writing from a Canadian health care perspective but it should be similar in western countries where the health system utilizes General Physicians and Specialists.  I believe in th US, it’s got a similar referral system.   I’ve been through the system so I will explain as much detail as possible and provide you with some tips so you can seek help and start recovering.

If you are in an emergency situation, PLEASE go to your nearest emergency hospital for prompt treatment.  I know in major cities, there are emergency mental health hospitals that have psychiatrists onsite to deal with patients. Don’t be afraid of the mental health care system, it’s not what the internet perceives it to be.

General Physicans would be what we called family doctors, it’s usually the first point of contact in the health care system, they are like the handymen.  Psychiatrists are known as specialists because they specialize in mental health issues so you can’t just walk into a specialist’s clinic and expect the doctor to see you.  It just doesn’t work that way.  I know in Asia, at least in China, you normally would see a specialist directly but that’s a whole different health care system over there.

The first step is getting an appointment with your family doctor or physician.  This should be pretty fast, from a day to couple weeks.  Now this is very important especially with mental health issues, I know people tend to tell doctors about symptoms in a way that sounds less crazy because they do not want to be labeled “crazy” and they want the doctors to tell them they are fine.  This is wrong!  You have to be genuine and tell them everything that you are experiencing.  There is no shame and do not afraid, you are there to seek help.  If you want a referral to a psychiatrist, you have to be truthful with your doctors, do not hide any problems.  Some family doctors do overlook mental health issues so if they tell you “oh you’re fine, take some rest”, insist that they refer you to a psychiatrist if you feel like you need to.  Usually they will also perform some basic tests like blood test to make sure no physical issues in your case.

The next step in the process is wait….. a long wait… it took me almost a year and I think that’s the average for psychiatrists.  It’s very unfortunate that the wait time is so long but it is what it is.  The more awareness we raised about mental health issues, the more doctors the system will put into this field.

After months of waiting, you’re finally and excited to see the specialist(psychiatrist).  Same tip again, be genuine and tell him exactly what you are experiencing, don’t hide anything from him.  Remember, he is a doctor, he is trying to help you.  Mental diagnosis is just a label, what difference does it make if he diagnoses you with this or that?  There is no difference, you are still suffering and you will still need treatment.  Label is just a label, remember that.  Don’t read all the horror stories on the internet about how psychiatrists just stuffs you with medication, I’ve never experienced that.  Every one of them I met were nice and understandable.  They never pushed medication on me in any way.

Remember that mental health issues require longer term treatment so it’s important to find a doctor especially when you’re prescribed medication, to follow you up through the whole treatment process.  It’s not like a cold where you see a doctor once and the next time is god knows when.

I hope this helps all of you!

Drug Related DP/DR

Those who are curious, mine was not drug or cannabis induced, I’ve never taken any drugs in my life but I don’t think it matters.  Here is why,  I 100% believe that cannabis is just an external factor that contributes to the internal process that triggers Depersonalization/Derealization.  It is a trigger and trigger in many cases isn’t really important.  Trigger and cause are two very different terms.  Trigger is what starts the process and cause is what’s really happening during the process that causes all of your symptoms.  Prior to all of this happening to me, I had two small episodes of DP/DR which were triggered by fluorescent light, I’ve always had issues with fluorescent light.  When I went to my psychiatrist who specializes in dissociation, he said that fluorescent light is just an external trigger, there must be an internal factor that allows the external trigger to start the process, main thing is stress.

Many drugs are considered dissociative drugs and I’m not sure if cannabis is one of them but I believe cannabis should be one of them.  It’s no surprise that dissociative drugs induce dissociation.  Under normal circumstance, the effects of dissociation wears out when the drug leaves your system, no internal factor in this case.  If cannabis can induce permanent DP/DR then everyone who has taken it would have suffered from this condition.

But then there is the “bad trip”, from my readings at least from the book, “bad trip” tends to happen more during stressful period.  As you can see, there is always that internal factor which in many cases of bad trips is again stress.   So the question is why DP/DR becomes chronic after a “bad trip”?   My theory is that the drug has triggered the protection mechanism of the brain which your brain is already prone to during stressful period.  This is why people can take cannabis for years and not have a bad trip and suddenly one day, a small dose triggers chronic DP/DR.  You can find many examples of this on forums.  The research book I bought “Depersonalization : A New Look at a Neglected Syndrome” has a whole chapter about drug induced DP/DR and the interesting fact is that virtually they found no difference between drug-induced and non-drug induced.

Anyways, the point that I’m trying to get through is that whether your DP/DR was caused by drug or other triggers, it’s not as important as you think.  Like how my psychiatrist says it, the why sometimes is not always clear or important.  But of course, we’re not talking about physical causes that can cause symptoms of DP/DR.  Either way, we are looking for the same treatment and try to get better.

A good analogy to understand this is to take a simple allergy as an example.  Let say you develop skin rashes from drinking alcohol or certain juices.  Alcohol and juice are triggers and immune system reaction is the cause of skin rash.  The treatment would be the same, you would take some kind of antihistamines to reduce the reaction.

The reason why I’m writing this blog is there have been hot discussions of drug related DP/DR and non-drug related DP/DR.  My advice to everyone is DO NOT take drugs, it is not worth it.  I understand sometimes there is peer pressure but your life is much more valuable.

Stay strong people! 

Set a Goal: Now to new year.

I know many of sufferers are excessively browsing the Internet searching for answers and recovery stories, I ‘was’ one of them.  I understand it’s hard not to glue to Google but really they only provide temporary relief.

It’s wonderful time of the year, I know many of you probably can’t feel the atmosphere or feelings of holidays because you are dissociated but that doesn’t mean you can’t feel better.

Make yourself a goal, from today on to the New Year, get off the Internet temporarily and just enjoy the holidays with your family and friends.  If you’re alone, go out to the shopping mall or have walks in your neighborhood.  That’s what I did whenever I felt kind of disconnected, it does bring some normalacy back.

Just do something to distract yourself, whatever that may be.  Ski? Wonderful idea for this time of the year.  Or it can even be sitting at Starbucks for a day and just watch the people, bring a magazine along.  Just go out and do whatever you used to do.  I know how it might feel weird but the more you do this, the better you will be.  Tell your brain that you’re ready for life again, the fog can now be removed since you do not need it anymore.  Remember stress is a killer, by focusing and stressing out about your condition, you are inducing more stress on your brain which will make it worst.

Do it and report back… Trust me, even though you may not be able to feel the holiday time, you will feel better.

Cheers, happy new year in advance.  You guys will all be ok, true warriors!

Books on Depersonalization/Derealization

First of all, there aren’t many out there about Depersonalization/Derealization anyways.  But  I’ve read many and will try to give you a summary on all of them so you do not need to spend the money.  My general advice is that there isn’t anything that you will find in these books that you can’t find on the internet.  It’s wonderful that we live in the technology age where medical information is readily available.  I can’t imagine DP/DR sufferers 20 years ago, I truly feel their pain, perception on mental illness has greatly improved over the recent years too.

My advice to you is not to read a book but speak to a professional psychologist or psychiatrist and begin your recovery journey.  I’m not saying that those books aren’t good but this condition is not a condition that is suitable for self-help.  Behavior does aggravates the symptoms but this condition is more than behaviors, it’s your brain chemicals so speak to a doctor.

Here are some of the books I’ve read so far about Depersonalization and Derealization.

1. Overcoming Depersonalization Disorder

This book is really the only book specifically about DP/DR.  It mainly focuses on different therapies that can benefit DP/DR, for example, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy.  There is a section about treatment from a pharmaceutical approach but it’s limited.

1. Depersonalization – A New Look At a Neglected Syndrome

This is a research book, it basically puts all of the research that have been done by King’s College of London Depersonalization Research Unit.  I have heard that the lead researcher has left and the unit is not in a good state, very unfortunate.  This unit is really one of very very few centers that focuses on Depersonalization Research.  As the title implies, it is a neglected syndrome but it is a lot more common than what people think.  The target audience is really for the medical community, it goes into many theories of DP/DR and why they occurr.  This book also features different case examples and the treatments that went along with them.  It’s a good read but it’s expensive.

1. The Body Keeps the Score

This book mainly focuses on trauma related dissociation, like PTSD which can have Depersonalization and Derealization as symptoms.  It’s an interesting read but not targeted towards DP/DR.

1. At Last A Life

This book is mainly on DP/DR from an anxiety and panic attack perspective.  I think DP/DR can stem from anxiety and panic but there are many other causes.  I didn’t find this book useful.

My book collection on Amazon Kindle

Like I mentioned, everything is available on the internet, the books offer no secret.  I would greatly encourage that you speak to a psychiatrist to begin your treatment journey.  Instead of reading these books, an alternative is go out and live your life.  You can read eveything there is to about DP/DR and gain nothing from it.

There is a light at the end of this tunnel, the world is with you!

Psychiatrist: Journal writing and the subconscious healing

This is the third psychiatrist I’ve seen regarding my condition, I was given a dissociation questionnaire for the first time.  From the questionnaire I can tell you dissociation is a wide spectrum and complicated.  It seems like normal people experience dissociation quite often, it’s just part of the brain.  For example, you’re talking with someone and your mind wanders off into blankness and two minutes later you have no idea what was said.  One of the questions was similar to this and this is actually dissociation but of course it happens time to time with normal people.

My perception of psychiatrists have greatly improved recently because every one of them I’ve met are nice and honest so far.  They DO NOT just give you drugs unless they really feel like they help and they are optional, you are not forced to take any medications.  Please keep that in mind, it’s OK to seek help.

We started with getting to know me, very patient doctor that genuinely wanted to know my background and my culture.  We spent probably 15-20 minutes on my background and my family.  Then we went to the symptoms part, when I described the symptoms that I had experienced, he said they are symptoms of dissociation.  I said not many doctors know much about dissociation and he agreed but he said they should know about it, it is more common than people think.  We then went through the timelines of how my condition started to present in details.  Like all doctors, they are looking for any triggers.

I asked him “I really want to find out what’s going on in my brain and if you have seem anyone like me?”.  He replied “sometimes why is not always clear.”  which is sad but true and it is the limitation of psychiatry in today’s world.  Then I asked “do you think I should do more physical scans?”.  He replied “No, It’s not at the physical structure level, it’s really at the chemical level.”.  Like I mentioned before, we do not have proof or brain scan to proof this, hopeful our kids and grandkids will have access to these technology in the future.

Then he said dissociation is on a spectrum, on the less severe end we have Derealization, then Depersonalization and then others and finally on the severe side we have Dissociative Idenity Disorder.  Derealization is really a brain response to stress at a subconciousness level, a form of protection that your brain shuts down at a subconciousness level.   Another important and interesting thing he mentioned is memory time confusion which is common in dissociation. He said he understands it’s frustrating but use that as motivation to get better.

Then we talked about medication, he mentioned that medications in my case can be used as supporting role to help with anxiety, normally SSRI with a small dose of atypical antipsychotics but he said he wouldn’t give me anything at this point as he felt like I don’t need it.  But the combination is usually used to treat anxiety.  I told him that I have fear for medication and he asked why?  I mentioned that from the forums and internet, they can have severe side effects.  He said this is why sometimes reading too much can be bad.  I think it is very true.  Google lasik eye surgery side effects and it will scare the shit out of you, it is the same for psychiatric medications.  With Internet, there more negative stories than positive stories, there are side effects to everything.  My perception of medication is starting to change for the good, the most important thing is a good doctor that you trust to take care of you long term and not some doctor that you see once and get these type of medications.

Going back to Derealization, he said since it’s at a subconciousness level,  to get to the subconiousness level, we have two therapeutic approaches, hypnosis and journal writing.  Since they do not practice hypnosis clinically  he suggested that I start writing journal, write down every thought, behavior, feeling and actions.  I didn’t understand the logic behind journal writing but google it and you will find many benefits, it gives you access into your subconciousness.  Clearly this doctor knows a thing or two about dissociation.  My support friend who has fully recovered from Derealization indeed kept a journal during his illness, interesting eh?

Then he mentioned an article he read recently about dissociation, he asked “from your research, what’s the most common thing that causes dissociation?”.  I replied “trauma”, then he went on to tell me that he somewhat disagrees, he said genetic predisposition has a huge factor in dissociation and but it’s being overlooked because everyone thinks trauma is the only cause and they don’t focus on other causes.

Anyways you get the point, I think as far as a good psychiatrist with knowledge in dissociation, he is as good as you can.

With that I would like to wish everyone Merry Christmas and happy holidays! Cheers! Get better!

World is not waiting for you.

Doesn’t matter what kind of illness you have, the world continues without you.  So why not make the most of it?

Tomorrow the sun will come out and it will set but if you are just staying home obsessing about this condition, you are at a standstill while the world continues to spin.

I know how awful this condition!  But please think about the people who suffer many other serious illnesses, for example ALS, go on the forum and you will see many brave people like us, hats off to these strong human beings.

Lets get on board the train again and continue with life knowing that one day this nightmare will end and you will be fine.  Think that you’ve had the worst already, what’s worst that can ever happened anymore.  Go out and do things you normally wouldn’t do, you are still you!  Your personality is still there!  Nothing has changed, your parents still love you, people still care about you.  They view you as the same person as before.

Stay strong people!