Set a Goal: Now to new year.

I know many of sufferers are excessively browsing the Internet searching for answers and recovery stories, I ‘was’ one of them.  I understand it’s hard not to glue to Google but really they only provide temporary relief.

It’s wonderful time of the year, I know many of you probably can’t feel the atmosphere or feelings of holidays because you are dissociated but that doesn’t mean you can’t feel better.

Make yourself a goal, from today on to the New Year, get off the Internet temporarily and just enjoy the holidays with your family and friends.  If you’re alone, go out to the shopping mall or have walks in your neighborhood.  That’s what I did whenever I felt kind of disconnected, it does bring some normalacy back.

Just do something to distract yourself, whatever that may be.  Ski? Wonderful idea for this time of the year.  Or it can even be sitting at Starbucks for a day and just watch the people, bring a magazine along.  Just go out and do whatever you used to do.  I know how it might feel weird but the more you do this, the better you will be.  Tell your brain that you’re ready for life again, the fog can now be removed since you do not need it anymore.  Remember stress is a killer, by focusing and stressing out about your condition, you are inducing more stress on your brain which will make it worst.

Do it and report back… Trust me, even though you may not be able to feel the holiday time, you will feel better.

Cheers, happy new year in advance.  You guys will all be ok, true warriors!

Psychiatrist: Journal writing and the subconscious healing

This is the third psychiatrist I’ve seen regarding my condition, I was given a dissociation questionnaire for the first time.  From the questionnaire I can tell you dissociation is a wide spectrum and complicated.  It seems like normal people experience dissociation quite often, it’s just part of the brain.  For example, you’re talking with someone and your mind wanders off into blankness and two minutes later you have no idea what was said.  One of the questions was similar to this and this is actually dissociation but of course it happens time to time with normal people.

My perception of psychiatrists have greatly improved recently because every one of them I’ve met are nice and honest so far.  They DO NOT just give you drugs unless they really feel like they help and they are optional, you are not forced to take any medications.  Please keep that in mind, it’s OK to seek help.

We started with getting to know me, very patient doctor that genuinely wanted to know my background and my culture.  We spent probably 15-20 minutes on my background and my family.  Then we went to the symptoms part, when I described the symptoms that I had experienced, he said they are symptoms of dissociation.  I said not many doctors know much about dissociation and he agreed but he said they should know about it, it is more common than people think.  We then went through the timelines of how my condition started to present in details.  Like all doctors, they are looking for any triggers.

I asked him “I really want to find out what’s going on in my brain and if you have seem anyone like me?”.  He replied “sometimes why is not always clear.”  which is sad but true and it is the limitation of psychiatry in today’s world.  Then I asked “do you think I should do more physical scans?”.  He replied “No, It’s not at the physical structure level, it’s really at the chemical level.”.  Like I mentioned before, we do not have proof or brain scan to proof this, hopeful our kids and grandkids will have access to these technology in the future.

Then he said dissociation is on a spectrum, on the less severe end we have Derealization, then Depersonalization and then others and finally on the severe side we have Dissociative Idenity Disorder.  Derealization is really a brain response to stress at a subconciousness level, a form of protection that your brain shuts down at a subconciousness level.   Another important and interesting thing he mentioned is memory time confusion which is common in dissociation. He said he understands it’s frustrating but use that as motivation to get better.

Then we talked about medication, he mentioned that medications in my case can be used as supporting role to help with anxiety, normally SSRI with a small dose of atypical antipsychotics but he said he wouldn’t give me anything at this point as he felt like I don’t need it.  But the combination is usually used to treat anxiety.  I told him that I have fear for medication and he asked why?  I mentioned that from the forums and internet, they can have severe side effects.  He said this is why sometimes reading too much can be bad.  I think it is very true.  Google lasik eye surgery side effects and it will scare the shit out of you, it is the same for psychiatric medications.  With Internet, there more negative stories than positive stories, there are side effects to everything.  My perception of medication is starting to change for the good, the most important thing is a good doctor that you trust to take care of you long term and not some doctor that you see once and get these type of medications.

Going back to Derealization, he said since it’s at a subconciousness level,  to get to the subconiousness level, we have two therapeutic approaches, hypnosis and journal writing.  Since they do not practice hypnosis clinically  he suggested that I start writing journal, write down every thought, behavior, feeling and actions.  I didn’t understand the logic behind journal writing but google it and you will find many benefits, it gives you access into your subconciousness.  Clearly this doctor knows a thing or two about dissociation.  My support friend who has fully recovered from Derealization indeed kept a journal during his illness, interesting eh?

Then he mentioned an article he read recently about dissociation, he asked “from your research, what’s the most common thing that causes dissociation?”.  I replied “trauma”, then he went on to tell me that he somewhat disagrees, he said genetic predisposition has a huge factor in dissociation and but it’s being overlooked because everyone thinks trauma is the only cause and they don’t focus on other causes.

Anyways you get the point, I think as far as a good psychiatrist with knowledge in dissociation, he is as good as you can.

With that I would like to wish everyone Merry Christmas and happy holidays! Cheers! Get better!

DP/DR Recovery Tip #3

Like I said there are millions of ways to describe DP/DR.  From my readings and research, we just do not know much about it to really consider it as “disorder”.  When you associate yourself with a real disorder, you fear and you loose hope.  There is no scan to tell you you that you have this disorder, worst of all not many psychiatrists have any trainings on it and research does not have any definite criteria for diagnosis.  DSM just groups of bunch of symptoms together and call it a disorder. I’m not fond of the DSM, just because DP/DR is in the book, it doesn’t mean it’s a proveable and real disorder.  Homosexuality was in the DSM until late eighties, can you believe that?  It’s just a label, nothing more.

Dpselfhelp is just full of people with “similar symptoms” looking for help, simple as that.  Think of it as like the “headache” forum, people come to discuss a condition but the root causes can be totally different.

Think of it as some thing  not working correctly in the brain, maybe it will correct itself over time and heal!  Brain is truely a wonderful organ.

Get off the forum and stop associating yourself with the DP/DR disorder.

DP/DR Recovery Tip #2

Get yourself a gym membership!   This is exactly what did after I got the condition.  Whenever I feel a little down, I would hit the gym alone and work out. 

Physical excercise not only helps with your mood but I think it improves your overall health.  The other good thing about going to the gym is distraction.  It allows you focus on what’s present and not dwell on this condition.  

If you can’t afford a membership, get a sneaker and go out and run!  Do this consistently and you will see yourself improve.

DP/DR Recovery Tip #1

In the past year I find traveling seems to work wonder for distraction, you feel very normal during the trip because of all the new things that you’re seeing.

Like I mentioned, I went to many places in the last two years.  I went to Italy, Spain, France, Greece, Vegas, New York and LA.  My first trip after the onset, I was extremely nervous because I didn’t know how I would feel but my advice to you, just go and have fun.

It doesn’t have to be far, if you have a car, book a hotel and have a road trip.  You will realize that it actually feels pretty good.  Whenever I feel a little down, I would take my family on a small trip and it would take my mind off things. 

Listen to me!  You have one opportunity to live this life.  I know, I know, we have to deal with this sh$t but what’s happened has already happened.  You have choices to make, matter of fact, humans are the only specie that have choices, animals don’t.  Stay home, obsess on forums, suffering and looking for answer that does not exist OR go out, things might feel different but try to live your life to the fullest.  WE humans are survivors and warriors, we do not give up!

Give it a try guys!

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Existential Obessesion Tips

These obsessional thoughts can be scary, I’ve experienced it after DP/DR.  Here are some tips for you.

You are absolutely correct, existence and reality are mystery by nature.  I do not believe any human being can explain the phenomenon.  But we humans are created and evolved by the environment, our brains are created and evolved to have 100% connection with our environment so things feel NATURAL.

Acknowledge the thoughts, let the thoughts be there.  Don’t question, don’t obsess and don’t analyze.  It’s a mystery to not only you but a normal human being as well.  You cannot solve a mysterious phenomenon so why bother?  

Acknowledge that these thoughts are the result of that 100% connection being broken(dissociation), acknowledge that these thoughts are symptom of defective brain circuit.  Look back prior to DP/DR, you never had these thoughts, even if you had it, it was with curiosity and not FEAR.  Remember the science class, you wondered about the universe, the galaxies, and what was here before the Big Bang, how cool was that!

This is one of the things I learned in CBT, thoughts are just thoughts, you can’t control your thoughts but you can control your behaviors.  Acknowledge them and distract yourself.

These not only applies to Depersonalization/Derealization but OCD as well. 

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Recovery

So my struggle continued as EEG and MRI results came back positive.  As I said I took time off work, but I didn’t stay home all day long.  I would drive to my wife’s work place and have lunch with her everyday, I still tried to do normal things even though everything was difficult.  I still would constantly analyze my symptoms, obsessed over them and looked for answerS on dpselfhelp.com or google.  Whenever I saw a negative story, it would struck me really hard but at the same time, when I read recovery stories, they gave me hope.  I felt extremely lucky because my wife and my brother were extremely supportive of me, even though I knew they could not comprehend how painful this condition was.

I wander upon another forum related to DP/DR and connected with a person who had recovered from this disorder at that time.  A professional male who had almost completed his MBA in the UK and was hit with the disorder.  I added him on chat and we kept in contact as I was going through my recovery process.  It was the most hopeful thing ever and he offered many invaluable advice but the most important thing was HOPE.  He was a recovered example and he gave me a lot of hope, that was the only thing that kept me going.  This gentleman lost all of his cognitive abilities and felt extremely numb that he lost his girlfriend during the illness but he was able to climb out of this dark hole and successfully recovered.

One of the things that he recommended was exercise and that’s what I did for the first couple months. I would hit the gym almost everyday after dinner and work out with my brother.  Things got a little better, not because of the exercise but I think more because of time.  But I would still recommend that you do physical activities if you can and not sit around at home looking for answers because there is none online.

As things got better, I felt like maybe I should return to work since I didn’t want to be out  for so long because I just started my new job few months prior to this event. I felt like my memories were getting better.    This was around May of 2015, I decided and went back to work.  I was still struggling a bit writing computer code, I was still nervous that I wouldn’t be able to perform my job well enough.  As more time passed, my ability significantly improved and that boosted my confidence.

I got married around June of 2015 and traveled to Italy, France, Spain and Greece for honeymoon, I felt pretty good at that time, although I was still obsessing with the symptoms and felt disappointed  or sad at times that my life has changed forever.  Distraction was a huge key in feeling normal, it’s harder said than done but travelling had kept me occupied and I actually felt happy during that time.  As I returned home from honeymoon, I experienced a setback, I felt really disconnected and I felt like I went back to square one but I was able to climb out of it after couple weeks.  As time continued, I would experience setback every couple months, certain times I felt really really bad and certain times I felt more normal.  Whenever I experience these setbacks, I would hit the gym every day.

Fast forward just a little over a year to now, am I recovered?  First of all, “RECOVERY” and “CURE” are different, you gotta first understand that.  Am I recovered? I would say yes. Am I cured? I would say no.  I do not want to disappoint you but you do not go through something like this and come out like nothing has ever happened.  This is not only limited to DP/DR but to any illness. You don’t feel the same after a major car accident or a major brain surgery, it is the same concept.  It would take a time machine to cure you.  But I’m at a point of recovery where I can enjoy life again although things are not like they used to be but I’m able to cope and are no longer tortured by this debilitating illness.  TIME was a major factor in my recovery and I no longer experience those setbacks which I described in previous anymore which is another huge milestone in my recovery.  I believe normalcy will come with time, don’t obsess and don’t question.

I’m back to working full time, have a great family, just had our first child, studying at night school and I’m able to get my life back.  Although I still suffer some DP/DR symptoms, they are less noticeable that most of the time I go on my day not thinking about it and feeling pretty normal.  I believe with TIME, things will get even better.  I’ve climbed out of the darkest hole, you can do it too!

You have a choice to make, staying home everyday and look for an answer that does not exist or get up, go out and do normal things and let recovery come to you.  It’s a no brainer question.

Here are some recovery tips:

• Distraction, go out and do normal things.
• Get off DPSELFHELP, although I admit that I was obsessing over this forum in the beginning too but now I rarely go on it anymore.  DPSELFHELP is good in the beginning, it gives comfort and hope but if you’re on it everyday replying to posts asking “are you recovered?”, I’m sorry to be harsh but you won’t recover this way.
• Get plenty of exercise, it will help you feel better in general.
• Seek help if you can’t cope.
• I would avoid any drugs (I’ve not done any drugs in my life yet I still end up with DP/DR)
• Tell your closed ones, if you don’t feel like telling your parents, maybe tell your siblings or best friend.

While it is sad that we have to deal with this in our lives, but look around you, you aren’t alone.  DP/DR are getting more attention than it ever has, please have HOPE.  People have recovered from this!  Stay strong!  Love you all!