What’s like like to live with Derealization?

Imaging yourself going to sleep tonight and wake up in a dream tomorrow, a nightmare dream where you lost sense of where you are, sense of time, sense of familiarity, numb, disconnected from your enviroment and your previous memories.  You wake up in a new world where you feel like there is a mental barrier between you and eveything else.  You see eveything in front of you but you can’t fully interact with it.  It’s like everything in front of you is a screen that’s up right against your eyes as if you are experiencing the world through a virtual reality glass.  The depth and liveliness of the world is gone.

The place you’ve lived in for over a decade no longer seems familiar, nothing hits you anymore.  You’re talking with someone face to face and it feels like they’re not even real even though you know they are physically here.  You drive from one place to another place and you forget how you get there, the memories of the drive is almost non-existsent and blurry.  All your memories are scattered and blurry, they lost sense of time.   Things you did last month and things you did 2 minutes ago have no difference emotionally.  Life feels weird in general, things don’t make sense and you lose sense of your future.  Everyday is a new day yet everyday feels the same.  5AM in the morning and 5PM at noon feel the same.  Place A and Place B feel the same.  It’s like you experience eveything but without any kind of feelings.  The only feelings left are anxiety and being depressed.

Then there are times when your parents or your wife is sitting next to you and you think wow, how weird that they’re your parents or she is your wife.

I can’t speak for Depersonalization because I don’t really experience Depersonalization but I do have bouts of Depersonalization.

Stay strong!

Obsession and Distraction

Obsessive behaviours and thoughts are a huge part of Depersonalization but I don’t like how people are often diagnosed as OCD because of it or even DP/DR together.  It’s really the sensations that cause these obsessive thoughts and behaviours.  I really don’t like psychiatric labels, how can someone be diagnosed OCD, GAD, DP/DR and Depression at the same time?  But unfortunately that’s where we are at this moment, we just don’t have the medical tests to show specific issue/deficiency of the brain.

Am I real? Is this all real?  Do I feel normal?   Who I am?  These are obsessive tendencies that can often aggravate DP/DR feelings.  From personal experience, as long as I start questioning or focusing on these sensations, I know I’m going downhill and DP/DR becomes a lot more apparent.   Every once a while I would have some “relapse” and usually there is always a trigger which puts my mind back into DP/DR.  I’m so well aware of those triggers that I try my best to avoid them.  However it’s not always a successful one, I could go into a deep cycle of obsessive thoughts and behaviours which I just couldn’t take my mind off DP/DR and it would lead me downhill really fast.  Fortunately though, I usually get out of these cycles fast from days to couple weeks.

So what do I do to get out of these cycles?  These cycles aren’t easy to break, it’s not like “ok!  I’m going to stop focusing and thinking about it now.”.  No, it’s much more difficult than that, it’s like a car moving at 200MPH,  you can’t just stop it suddenly.  This is where distractions come into play.  It can be really small things to really big things.  Put on your headphone and just go for a walk in the park which I often do is a great way to relax and distract yourself.  Travelling is another thing I usually do if I’m financially ok, it’s an excellent way of feeling somewhat normal because you’re so distracted by many new things.  Of course not all of these things are viable for everyone but try to do something small and then go from there.  I know DP/DR causes emotional numbing so things you loved to do before DP/DR may not be of interest to you anymore.  But that’s ok, think back in the last few days or weeks I’m pretty sure you could think of something that you did and that you enjoyed, even the little things, repeat them.

If you’re reading this blog, feel free to become a follower, I really hope to grow this so we can raise some awareness of this devastating disorder.

The invisible disorder/killer…

People relate to things by seeing, without any physical symptoms, it’s hard for people to relate to Depersonalization.  If I can tell someone in one sentence,  I would explain it as 

“It’s dehumanizing, the disorder takes and blocks away all the conscious/unconscious feelings and emotions of existence and simply being a human being.”

Tel me what could be worst than that?  It would be a lie if I tell you I never had any suicidal thoughts, it’s just human nature to have these thoughts when you’re dealing with extreme pain.  Fortunately for me these thoughts stop when I started to feel better.  You shall seek help if you have constant suicidal thoughts.

When explaining DP/DR symptoms, it’s a whole new world.  I can explain then in millions of ways.  

“As if I was drugged”…

“As if everything is just an imagination of my brain.”

“As if I’m experiencing life as a dream and that I’m still lying somewhere sleeping.”

“As if I’m experiencing my world through a virtual reality glass.”

“As if…..”

This is why DP/DR is complex, it’s easy for you to say YES that you experience DP/DR but from medical perspective, systematically it’s much harder to assess if someone actually experiences DP/DR.

People experience one reality, it’s not possible for someone to imagine another reality.  Reality is everything.  It’s like telling someone to reimagine another specie’s reality, it’s not possible.  Telling someone to imagine what DP/DR feel like is similar to that comparison.

I keep referring to ALS as an example, I hope that I don’t offend anyone in doing so.  ALS is devastating   and people can truly relate to it because it’s physical, it’s visible and people can imagine what’s it like to live with it.  It’s much easier to raise awareness, the Ice Bucket Challenge was a huge success.  Something like that would be difficult for DP/DR,  how else can we depict DP/DR other than explaining it in words?  Actually there is a movie called “Numb” which features Depersonalization, I’ve never watched it but I think it’s a great way and we can  and should do more stuff like that.

I’m writing this blog in hoping someone with authority and maybe has been touched by DP/DR directly or indirectly to come forward and maybe we can start something great and raise awareness.  I hope new people who found this blog through Google get relief knowing that there are many people like them.

Hang in there.  Future is bright!

Been a long time…

It’s been a while since I updated this blog, mainly because I’ve been busy with life.  So yesterday a father of a DP/DR sufferer posted on Facebook’s Depersonalization support group that his son committed suicide, the news has severely impacted my overall mood and has stuck with me ever since.  It is just a sad and shocking story that I hope I won’t see another one of.  Please don’t let stories like this deter you from getting better, you can fight it and you can win it!  Science is great, you never know what the future holds, but you gotta stick around to see the future.  You only got one shot at life so suicide is never the answer!  Ever!

I know I can’t speak for everyone since we are all unique and we even experience DP/DR uniquely but down at the core we are biologically human beings, we are the same in a way.  I know for people suffering from DP/DR, it’s hard to rebuild their lives, it’s hard to carry on with their social lives and do what they love to do.  However these elements are crucial to recovery, normalcy and confidence.  It’s like trying to rebuild your life from scratch but this time 100 times harder.  But we are strong human beings, humans have accomplished many extraordinary feats like climbing the Everest and landing on the moon, everything is possible!  You’ve got nothing to lose!

Mood is extremely important in dealing with DP/DR.  If you find yourself constantly in low mood, I would suggest you talk to a doctor or find something to distract yourself.  If you’re financially capable, travelling is a great way of distracting yourself.  If you are fear of going outside, try to just step out the door and feel some fresh air.  Take baby steps and you will be on the top of Everest, it’s matter of time.

You might be wondering how I am doing after all these months? So I went to China for a month in February, visited many cities including the Great Wall of China. When I came back home to Toronto, I suffered a relapse but slowly got out after couple weeks and have been living/working ever since. I already know what my triggers are and I use distraction so I don’t fall into the hole. Life has been busy in general.

I’m holding the fort for all of you guys, just go and do your things to get better!

By the way, a tip for all of you guys, the world is real, yourselves are real, you are just being blocked of emotions.  Have no fear!