Depersonalization/Derealization – Reading too much is bad.

I’m writing this post to tell you guys why reading too much on this condition is bad.  I understand that you want to be better informed but at the same time, you have to understand that not much is known about this condition and while reading research papers can be interesting but they can also dangerous.

In the past few days, I’ve been feeling a little down and came across this article which made it even worst.  It talks about brain anatomy differences between normal people and Depersonalization/Derealization sufferers.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4275327/

In the conclusion part it states:

“Patients with DPD are characterized by extensive, but circumscribed alterations in brain anatomy rather than large-scale morphological aberrations as seen in patients with schizophrenia. “

Sounds scary isn’t it?  Extensive alterations!  But wait, read the other part of the article.

 

“Owing to the cross-sectional nature of this study, it remains unknown if the observed structural brain differences are best understood as risk factors for the development of DPD or as a result of the disorder.  Future studies should aim at capturing possible neuroplastic adjustments over the course of the disorder, using a longitudinal design and a sample of patients with recent symptom onset.”

Basically what they are saying is that they don’t know if the brain has really been altered as a result of this condition or our brains are different to begin with and those differences are just risk factors.  To study changes or alterations, it has to be over a period of time.  How can they conclude that our brains have been through extensive alterations but in this paragraph says they are really differences and they need to do a long term study to see the neuroplastic adjustments.

Research papers are just research papers and they don’t mean much, they can be completely wrong.   You get the point, because when I saw “extensive changes”, I was a little scared and that will just leave you hopeless.

I’m sure our brains are different than normal brains, no doubt about that.  But scan any psychiatric patient with anxiety, bipolar, anxiety, OCD and the list goes on, you will observe extensive anomalies in the brain.  It doesn’t just take one tiny spot in the brain to cause psychiatric symptoms I think, it is many things at work.

Now stop reading these things, you can be the master of condition and know everything but as long as these research papers haven’t translated into medical papers or training for doctors to provide treatment, you can’t do much about it.   So go out and improve your general well being and beat this beast.

“We human beings are the greatest survivors! We do not give up, we will fight to the last second!”

 

Memory and Time Perception

I still struggle with this up to today, although not as bad as when I first acquired this condition.  I have made good improvements in this area.

So what does this mean?  Let’s go back to pre-DPDR days.  Let say you went to the gym two days ago, as you are recalling the memory two days later, you know exactly which day you actually went to the gym, it just seems naturally clear.  Another example, you called your parent last night and the next morning, you are pretty darn sure you called your parent last night.  Now going back to DP/DR, this clarity and awareness somewhat is extremely fogged up.  Things you did couple hours ago seem like you did them ages ago, you have difficulty telling when a particular memory had happened because it feels so foggy and dreamy.  Sometimes you loose awareness of which day of the week is it, all because of DULL memories.  This is what I mean by memory and time perception and if you think of DPDR as a dream state, it totally makes sense.

Have you ever had these occasions where you’re sleeping deeply in the middle of the night and someone wakes you up and ask you something, you answer and you fall back to sleep.  The next morning, either you forget about that experience or if you do remember, the memory does not feel real, you ask yourself like did it really happened or did it happened in a dream?  Because DPDR sufferers are in a permanent state of this, all aspect of consciousness will have dream like qualities to them.

Another explaination is that memory is formed based on your attachment/interaction with environments and surroundings.  When that connection breaks loose and you become detached from the surroundings, your memory will automatically feel distant as well.  Time, on the other hand is based on your memory and the emotions attached to them, without vivid and emotional memory, your perception of time will automatically be affected.

If a doctor can induce some kind of half awake state on a patient, I bet this patient will describe exactly what we are describing.  Like I said the brain is a lot more complicated than we can possibility imagine but there are a lot of good stories out there about recovery.

My support buddy while I was struggle has fully recovered and he described after 3 years of DPDR and final recovery, at the end he described the recovery as “Rebirth, waking up from a long dream.”  And I will leave it at this.

DP/DR Recovery Tip #3

Like I said there are millions of ways to describe DP/DR.  From my readings and research, we just do not know much about it to really consider it as “disorder”.  When you associate yourself with a real disorder, you fear and you loose hope.  There is no scan to tell you you that you have this disorder, worst of all not many psychiatrists have any trainings on it and research does not have any definite criteria for diagnosis.  DSM just groups of bunch of symptoms together and call it a disorder. I’m not fond of the DSM, just because DP/DR is in the book, it doesn’t mean it’s a proveable and real disorder.  Homosexuality was in the DSM until late eighties, can you believe that?  It’s just a label, nothing more.

Dpselfhelp is just full of people with “similar symptoms” looking for help, simple as that.  Think of it as like the “headache” forum, people come to discuss a condition but the root causes can be totally different.

Think of it as some thing  not working correctly in the brain, maybe it will correct itself over time and heal!  Brain is truely a wonderful organ.

Get off the forum and stop associating yourself with the DP/DR disorder.

DP/DR Recovery Tip #2

Get yourself a gym membership!   This is exactly what did after I got the condition.  Whenever I feel a little down, I would hit the gym alone and work out. 

Physical excercise not only helps with your mood but I think it improves your overall health.  The other good thing about going to the gym is distraction.  It allows you focus on what’s present and not dwell on this condition.  

If you can’t afford a membership, get a sneaker and go out and run!  Do this consistently and you will see yourself improve.

OCD: The “Right” feeling.

I think uncertainty  is one of the fundamental qualities of OCD patients.  It is that we must feel certain to feel “right”.  But that “right” feeling is only good for a while and next time the same event occurs, you’re in a loop searching for the “right” feeling again.  This now has become an infinite loop.  For those of you who have OCD know what I mean by the “right” feeling.  It’s the feeling after you’ve performed all and enough rituals that you feel “phew! Everything is good and sound”.   This I think can be applied to many variances of the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

Looking for this “right” feeling is what keep OCD sufferers spending hours performing rituals.  To beat OCD, we need to stop searching for this “right” feeling, living without this “right” is not going to cause you or anyone any harm.  One of the best non-medication treatment routes for OCD is CBT(Cognitive Behaviour Therapy), one of the components of CBT is ERP (Exposure Response Prevention) which is the main practical therapy of CBT.  You are expose to your fears or obsessions, then you are refrained from performing rituals which gives you that “right” feeling.  The goal is to achieve habituation which basically means your brain are used to the trigger and is no longer fear of it.  It’s like jumping off a 10 meter high Olympic diving board 10 times.  If there is a way to meter anxiety, the anxiety on the 10th time would be a lot lower than the 1st time.  The more you do this, the more your brain learns that it does not need to fear and when you have no fear, rituals are not required to lower your anxiety.

Now, let me ask you this question.  In the years or even decades of you suffering from this disorder, and countless hours of ritualizing.  Did any of your feared outcomes come true?  I can almost guarantee everyone’s answer would be “NO”.  

Now, let me ask you another question.  Thinking back all these hours you spent ritualizing, do you think any of your feared outcomes would come true if you didn’t ritualize?  I can again guarantee everyone’s answer would be “NO” again.  Then we need to stop finding the “right” feeling.  It’s not right.

Sometimes I still struggle with it because it’s just human nature to wanting to feel safe, but once you keep doing it, it becomes more tolerable.  Life is full of risk, the risk of our obsessions coming true is just as likely as a sane person murdering someone.  They don’t live everyday worrying “oh someday I’m going to hurt somebody, I have to control myself.”, then why should we?

Last night as I was holding my precious daughter, I got into an argument with my wife and I got mad.  Harm OCD kicked in, always during your most vulnerable state, I was having unwanted intrusive thoughts towards my daughter.  I could decide to put her down on her bed(escape) or continue holding her(expose), I decided to continue holding her.  Later when everything was over, my brain had the urge to search for that “right” feeling again.  One of the main rituals I do is replaying memories.  I still have that urge this morning to replay my memories to make sure I didn’t harm my daughter(even though logically I know I didn’t and never will) but I’m not doing the ritual because I know if I do it then next time the same thing happens, I would have to perform the ritual again.  What I’m doing is training my brain telling the brain there is no harm even if I don’t perform the rituals.  Next time you are in a situation where you can either escape or expose, always choose the expose route.  Over time your anxiety will go down and you will feel strong!

Remember that “Right” feeling is the monster of OCD, don’t search for it and live with whatever you’re feeling. 

Thank you!

OCD: Good childhood to miserable teenable years.. Fighting OCD

I had a very happy childhood, a very loving and caring family.  I believe it was around grade 9-10 of high school, an event occurred in my family that changed my life.  An event that I was told about triggered my hand washing, my obsession of contracting diseases, especially HIV.  I’m not going into the details of the event but as an advice for parents, keep issues/problems away from your kids, only tell them what they need to know, especially at an age where their brain is developing and are prone to mental illnesses.

My OCD started and I was out of control, I didn’t even know anything about OCD back then.  All I knew was that I was scared of contracting HIV 24/7.  Whenever I went out, I avoided touching things to the point where I would stare at people’s hands to make sure there were no cuts or anything and squeezed my hands tightly so I didn’t touch them, there was that urge of touching the cut as well.  Another example would be opening a package from the mail, if I saw something red or anything that resembled blood, my brain just locked up in fear and I would spend hours performing ritual.  Rituals could be checking the package over and over again until I was satisfied there was no blood.  I remember I was walking to work in my high school year and as I was walking I saw a syringe(no needle) on the ground, it caused my anxiety to go through the roof.  I went back many times to check to make sure there was no needle even though I never touched it, then I would spend hours performing rituals, replying the memory until I was satisfied that I didn’t touch it.  It was miserable, my brain was over firing, everything seemed like threat that I could lead me contract HIV.

Then two years later, our family opened a restaurant.  As I was cutting something in the kitchen.  BOOM! This thought of me stabbing people with the knife suddenly came into my brain and I was scared to death.  This was the start of my HARM OCD, I clearly remember that day, that place and that thought.  I started to avoid knives, driving and anything that triggered these type thoughts.  I spent hours and hours of performing ritual, mainly to reply my memories to make sure that I didn’t harm anyone.  Just to give you an example, walking alone on the road one day and a lady walked by me, it would triggered UNWANTED thoughts of me harming her and then I would spend hours performing ritual, going back to make sure that she was not lying on the ground or anything, as well as replying memories over and over again until I was satisfied.  Another example would be before I leave for school or work, I would check my bag to make sure I didn’t have any knives in my bag.  Anyways,  I’m not going go into the details of this, you can find many examples of HARM obsessions on the internet.

OCD took my teenage/college life away from me, I had a girlfriend(my wife now) then but I was dealing with OCD every second of those time.  I couldn’t enjoy stuff, I couldn’t do things alone, I always had my girlfriend with me just as an assurance so I didn’t do any harm to anybody.  I was hit with UNWANTED thoughts every second of the day and they caused great anxiety.  At that point I still didn’t know anything about OCD, I thought I was crazy.  I was afraid to even searching up on google, I was afraid that google result would come up and label me as serial killer or something.  I was struggling so badly that it had limited my life so much and I couldn’t take it anymore.

I was literally on the verge of breakdown and I took the plunge and googled “unwanted thoughts of harming others”.  BOOM! Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, I was crying!  There was actually a name for this and I was not crazy!    I started reading about on the internet and honestly, that was the happiest moment of my life.

Then I went out and bought this book and I was shocked!!! It described every thing that I had been struggling from for years.

Overcoming Obsessive Thoughts: How to Gain Control of Your OCD

I started following the self-help CBT therapy and I slowly got my life back.  But just knowing that you’re not crazy and that you won’t act on those unwanted thoughts, my brain finally had some down time that I’m able to achieve calmness at times.  The hand washing and the HIV theme is gone now but I’m still dealing with HARM OCD but It has went from 100% to 30% because of therapy and taking therapy into practice.  I’m able to living a normal life now, I drive and no longer fear of knives.  I can do anything that a normal person can do now!

My experience from all of this since we just had our first beautiful child, is that keep certain things away from your child, keep them focused, happy and health.  If you have something traumatic, DO NOT TELL YOUR KIDS.  I’ve always wondered if my parents didn’t tell me during that traumatic event, my life might have been totally different, maybe I wouldn’t be here writing about OCD and Depersonalization / Derealization.  But I do not blame my parents, even if they didn’t tell my anything, some other things could have triggered my OCD, maybe it was built into my genes already.  But again this is my opinion like always!

IF YOU ARE STRUGGLING RIGHT NOW WITH OCD, PLEASE SEEK HELP, YOU ARE NOT CRAZY, YOU WILL BE FINE.

More OCD posts to come!  I will talk about recovery,  CBT and my treatments with psychologist.

 

DP/DR Recovery Tip #1

In the past year I find traveling seems to work wonder for distraction, you feel very normal during the trip because of all the new things that you’re seeing.

Like I mentioned, I went to many places in the last two years.  I went to Italy, Spain, France, Greece, Vegas, New York and LA.  My first trip after the onset, I was extremely nervous because I didn’t know how I would feel but my advice to you, just go and have fun.

It doesn’t have to be far, if you have a car, book a hotel and have a road trip.  You will realize that it actually feels pretty good.  Whenever I feel a little down, I would take my family on a small trip and it would take my mind off things. 

Listen to me!  You have one opportunity to live this life.  I know, I know, we have to deal with this sh$t but what’s happened has already happened.  You have choices to make, matter of fact, humans are the only specie that have choices, animals don’t.  Stay home, obsess on forums, suffering and looking for answer that does not exist OR go out, things might feel different but try to live your life to the fullest.  WE humans are survivors and warriors, we do not give up!

Give it a try guys!

Please follow me by putting your email address in the subscription box.

Existential Obessesion Tips

These obsessional thoughts can be scary, I’ve experienced it after DP/DR.  Here are some tips for you.

You are absolutely correct, existence and reality are mystery by nature.  I do not believe any human being can explain the phenomenon.  But we humans are created and evolved by the environment, our brains are created and evolved to have 100% connection with our environment so things feel NATURAL.

Acknowledge the thoughts, let the thoughts be there.  Don’t question, don’t obsess and don’t analyze.  It’s a mystery to not only you but a normal human being as well.  You cannot solve a mysterious phenomenon so why bother?  

Acknowledge that these thoughts are the result of that 100% connection being broken(dissociation), acknowledge that these thoughts are symptom of defective brain circuit.  Look back prior to DP/DR, you never had these thoughts, even if you had it, it was with curiosity and not FEAR.  Remember the science class, you wondered about the universe, the galaxies, and what was here before the Big Bang, how cool was that!

This is one of the things I learned in CBT, thoughts are just thoughts, you can’t control your thoughts but you can control your behaviors.  Acknowledge them and distract yourself.

These not only applies to Depersonalization/Derealization but OCD as well. 

Please follow me by putting your email address in the subscription box.

DP/DR My experience with psychiatrists

After DP/DR, my first visit with psychiatrist was at this place called CAMH, a hospital that specializes in mental health and drug addictions.  I was dealing with a particular symptom that was really bugging me. Thank god that I no longer suffer from that, it could just be that my mind was hypersensitive to everything around me.  But I was scared that I might develop psychosis because of it.  My symptom was that I could see faces in objects, not talking about actual faces but something that looks like face, my mind would perceive it.  The other thing was that I was ultra sensitive to things that I see from my peripheral vision. For example, walking down the street and walking by something that looks like a person, my mind would perceive it as a person for a split second.  This whole experience scared the hell out of me, I thought this could be an onset of psychosis.  I think some of you may be able to relate to this as I’ve seen people complaining about this on forums.  I also told the doctor about my DP/DR symptoms, I wrote everything down on the paper so I didn’t miss anything.  It was a residence doctor that I was seeing and he asked a bunch of questions during the initial assessment. As I was reading off the paper that I wrote down,  he asked to see it, I believe it was to see if there is any anything unusual that would indicate something.  He never asked me about the DP/DR part that I wrote down, I should have asked him more about it but I was too nervous.  My intent that night was more about the face symptom so I didn’t ask much about DP/DR.  After about one hour of questioning, he went to speak with his supervisor and I was given the diagnosis of OCD and Anxiety.  I was let go and went home for the night.  I felt better at least that he didn’t think that I was psychotic but at the same time I didn’t get much new information.

From the nuerologist after I cleared physicals, I was referred to a psychiatrist and I finally met him after a whole year waiting.  The previous doctor was more like a walk-in clinic and this one is more of a long term psychiatrist. I was really curious and  I wanted to find out if he had seen any patients with similar symptoms.  I reached a point where I no longer fight the condition but I wanted to know what was the cause behind this.  I thought I was the only one in the world with these symptoms if not extremely rare.  That’s in the mind of most DP/DR sufferers because the symptoms are so bizarre.

Like usual, we started with a full assessment because you can’t just go in and tell them you have DP/DR and expect some medication,  It just doesn’t work that way.  As matter of fact from my research a lot of psychiatrists don’t even recognize DP/DR as an disorder.  Like I said I waited a full year from the time of the referral to the appointment date, ya that’s how the Canadian health care system is.  I feel sorry for those who have to wait so long to get help, it is very unfortunate.  I was actually looking forward to this appointment, expecting to find some magic answer or magic pill.  It’s like you broke your arm and you’re finally going to see someone that’s going to fix it.

After a bunch of asssement questions, He agreed with my self diagnosis on DPDR and he mentioned that DP/DR is usually a secondary symptom of something else like anxiety or depression or other psychiatric illness.  As a primary disorder is extremely rare but he has seen few cases during his career.  He said medication would not help me, he said that medications sometimes make derealization worst.  Then he mentioned he doesn’t have much experience with dissociation and he has a colleague that specializes in dissociation and would bring my case up with him.  I was so glad when I heard that, maybe there is a magic cure now.  After about an hour of assessment and the final diagnosis, he said I should get some CBT which I did for couple months when I first got hit with DPDR.  He referred me to his preferred psychologist and I went home that day.

I met him again two months back, excited this time to see what his colleague who specializes in dissociation had to say.  I was disappointed that he said his colleague wouldn’t be able to help as mainly he deals with dissociative disorder like PTSD.  We chatted about OCD and DP/DR casually, a very nice and honest psychiatrist. I told him that I’m doing better but if there is more help available I will be willing to go after.  He still insisted that medication won’t do any good for my condition but one thing that he said that really hit me was that

“Sam I’m sorry I won’t be able to help you, I wish there was a brain scan to tell your what’s going on but we don’t.  We are not trained in these disorders.”

It’s unfortunate that he wasn’t be able to help me but at least he was honest and did not push me with medications like many do.  I told him that I was doing CBT for my OCD and he said continue and let’s book a follow up meeting and off I went.

I’m a little disappointed with this whole experience but I believe this is the limitation of psychiatry.  There is really no magic medication, either it’s long term therapy and recovery or we are limited by research specifically DP/DR.  However I’m only speaking for my case so please as I said these are just my opinions.

Please go seek help if you need it, you do not need to suffer in silence.  Also please DO NOT self diagnose yourself, go see a psychiatrist!  Even though it was not helpful to me but it might help you. Find another one if you do not like the current one. There are some good and honest psychiatrists out there.   Keep in mind, if you are afraid of medication(I do), they are optional, they will not lock you up. 

Stay strong guys!

Please follow me if you find my posts helpful, I will be updating this blog frequently.

Recovery

So my struggle continued as EEG and MRI results came back positive.  As I said I took time off work, but I didn’t stay home all day long.  I would drive to my wife’s work place and have lunch with her everyday, I still tried to do normal things even though everything was difficult.  I still would constantly analyze my symptoms, obsessed over them and looked for answerS on dpselfhelp.com or google.  Whenever I saw a negative story, it would struck me really hard but at the same time, when I read recovery stories, they gave me hope.  I felt extremely lucky because my wife and my brother were extremely supportive of me, even though I knew they could not comprehend how painful this condition was.

I wander upon another forum related to DP/DR and connected with a person who had recovered from this disorder at that time.  A professional male who had almost completed his MBA in the UK and was hit with the disorder.  I added him on chat and we kept in contact as I was going through my recovery process.  It was the most hopeful thing ever and he offered many invaluable advice but the most important thing was HOPE.  He was a recovered example and he gave me a lot of hope, that was the only thing that kept me going.  This gentleman lost all of his cognitive abilities and felt extremely numb that he lost his girlfriend during the illness but he was able to climb out of this dark hole and successfully recovered.

One of the things that he recommended was exercise and that’s what I did for the first couple months. I would hit the gym almost everyday after dinner and work out with my brother.  Things got a little better, not because of the exercise but I think more because of time.  But I would still recommend that you do physical activities if you can and not sit around at home looking for answers because there is none online.

As things got better, I felt like maybe I should return to work since I didn’t want to be out  for so long because I just started my new job few months prior to this event. I felt like my memories were getting better.    This was around May of 2015, I decided and went back to work.  I was still struggling a bit writing computer code, I was still nervous that I wouldn’t be able to perform my job well enough.  As more time passed, my ability significantly improved and that boosted my confidence.

I got married around June of 2015 and traveled to Italy, France, Spain and Greece for honeymoon, I felt pretty good at that time, although I was still obsessing with the symptoms and felt disappointed  or sad at times that my life has changed forever.  Distraction was a huge key in feeling normal, it’s harder said than done but travelling had kept me occupied and I actually felt happy during that time.  As I returned home from honeymoon, I experienced a setback, I felt really disconnected and I felt like I went back to square one but I was able to climb out of it after couple weeks.  As time continued, I would experience setback every couple months, certain times I felt really really bad and certain times I felt more normal.  Whenever I experience these setbacks, I would hit the gym every day.

Fast forward just a little over a year to now, am I recovered?  First of all, “RECOVERY” and “CURE” are different, you gotta first understand that.  Am I recovered? I would say yes. Am I cured? I would say no.  I do not want to disappoint you but you do not go through something like this and come out like nothing has ever happened.  This is not only limited to DP/DR but to any illness. You don’t feel the same after a major car accident or a major brain surgery, it is the same concept.  It would take a time machine to cure you.  But I’m at a point of recovery where I can enjoy life again although things are not like they used to be but I’m able to cope and are no longer tortured by this debilitating illness.  TIME was a major factor in my recovery and I no longer experience those setbacks which I described in previous anymore which is another huge milestone in my recovery.  I believe normalcy will come with time, don’t obsess and don’t question.

I’m back to working full time, have a great family, just had our first child, studying at night school and I’m able to get my life back.  Although I still suffer some DP/DR symptoms, they are less noticeable that most of the time I go on my day not thinking about it and feeling pretty normal.  I believe with TIME, things will get even better.  I’ve climbed out of the darkest hole, you can do it too!

You have a choice to make, staying home everyday and look for an answer that does not exist or get up, go out and do normal things and let recovery come to you.  It’s a no brainer question.

Here are some recovery tips:

• Distraction, go out and do normal things.
• Get off DPSELFHELP, although I admit that I was obsessing over this forum in the beginning too but now I rarely go on it anymore.  DPSELFHELP is good in the beginning, it gives comfort and hope but if you’re on it everyday replying to posts asking “are you recovered?”, I’m sorry to be harsh but you won’t recover this way.
• Get plenty of exercise, it will help you feel better in general.
• Seek help if you can’t cope.
• I would avoid any drugs (I’ve not done any drugs in my life yet I still end up with DP/DR)
• Tell your closed ones, if you don’t feel like telling your parents, maybe tell your siblings or best friend.

While it is sad that we have to deal with this in our lives, but look around you, you aren’t alone.  DP/DR are getting more attention than it ever has, please have HOPE.  People have recovered from this!  Stay strong!  Love you all!